I'm grateful....

• that my dad is no longer in pain, that his suffering here on earth is over. He slept away peacefully Saturday morning. 
• that I happened to spend the night, and happened to be at his bedside when he took his last breath.
• for his siblings who would call and check on him and us regularly during this last fifteen months. 
• for my siblings. I said it many times in this last year - I can't imagine doing this alone/as an only child. THAT would have been tough. 
• for my mother. Without her, I'm not sure how we kids could have done it. It was meant that the timing of her retirement fell in line with when we needed her most. I'm glad that she'll continue to stay through the holidays and be able to enjoy the family and attend some of the grandkids programs and events this week. 
• for my husband. He ran this ship beautifully and without hesitation during my frequent absences.
• that my children were all in school this year, and they are the ages they are. That our bigs could take care of our littles. This was huge. 
• for all the friends who checked on me throughout the year and reminded me that they were there for me and remembered/knew what I was going through. This meant more to me than you will ever know.
• for our wonderful neighbors. They made my life doable more than once. 
• for hospice. What wonderful hearts and spirits.
• that I chose to have his pipe. I have it sitting here in the crook of the fold on my laptop and I've been lifting it to my nose and with that quick little whiff, I can flash back to a multitude of memories that span my 45 years. I can see his smile, hear his wit, appreciate his sarcasm and laugh at the eyebrow raise he gave his oncologist when it was suggested that he quit - because it isn't healthy. 
• that I have so much of my dad in me. 
• for my faith. It carries me hourly and brings me peace.

And from my facebook status yesterday, as it's easier to just cut and paste the bulk of it rather than trying to write the same thing over again:

 

Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers during this past long 15 months and today and yesterday as my dad, very peacefully, slept away Saturday morning.
I'm so grateful that I went there to spend the night, and so thankful that while he didn't wake up at all while I was there - I happened to be at his bedside when he took his last breath. 

My dad never understood funerals, despite all the times I sat down with him and tried to explain that they are for the living and not for the dead - but for that reason,
we will not be having any funeral, service or memorial for him. Because that's him, and because that's him, that makes it okay. I am at peace with that, as is the rest of my family. 

Several friends have called regarding having song services, and we are touched and appreciative. But our thoughts are right now that the holidays are 
busy and we are all behind as we've spent so much time at my dad's these last months (and that's okay), and we'd have a hard time coming up with a
common time between us with kids programs and concerts, parties and dinners - and while grateful, we'd really just like to work our way through the holidays right now.

It's a busy time. 

And that's okay.

And I'm quickly reminded that life goes on. I had to do a panic run to the grocery store for milk, bread and eggs - the needed trifecta - before the kids woke up for their Sunday School program yesterday morning.

And my Aunt Sarah (my dad's sister) called last evening to let me know that my great aunt Edna Ryynanen passed away almost exactly 24 hours after her nephew/my dad. She would have been 101 in February. I visited her many times over the years, and she offered me a lot of greatly appreciated information before my one year journey to Finland. She was a one of a kind. I won't be traveling north for her funeral, but remember her fondly. 

As for today - life goes on. Our calendar this week is full and busy. That's reality. 

Comments

[Brita]

I'll be thinking of you all week. Big hugs.

[Patti Isaacson]

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family. Our faith does provide much comfort at times like these, doesn't it? In a way, you've been able to "memorialize" your dad during his whole illness, haven't you. Maybe that is a more meaningful way to do things. Everyone is different, and what's right for you and your family is what's right.
Love and God's Peace
Patti I.

[Stacy D]

Your faith shines brightly in your thoughts and words - God is carrying you, and He is Good! I'm so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

[Judy]

I'm sorry to hear of your dads passing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[Benita]

Sharyn, I'm so sorry for your loss of your Dad :( I know just how difficult it is to lose someone especially this close to the holidays. My prayers are with you & your family. Hugs to you!

[Linda J]

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Cuzin Karen]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am thankful you were able to be there when you daddy went to his heavenly home. I too think "you've been able to "memorialize" your dad during his whole illness". I'm thankful for the memories you've made with him. Those will give you great comfort.. As painful as letting him go is. I know that you wouldn't trade that for anything. Praying God gives you and your families, strength, comfort, and Peace..
hugs and hugs

[Megan L.]

Hugs to you! These things would be much harder without our faith. Here's to hoping the holidays bring happy memories and thoughts of your Dad, rather than sadness. It's nice knowing you can take comfort in knowing he is no longer in pain.
Love and God's Peace!

[Kathryn]

Gratitude is such a good thing to practice during the holiday season (and always). Sometimes it is so hard to see the blessings amongst our struggles. I'm happy you are able to see them and celebrate them. Thinking of you often, God's Peace.

[amy i]

Good Morning, Sharon:). May the Peace and Love of the Christmas Miracle fill your heart and home. There are so many blessings through death. May you be carried through these next days as I know you will be BUSY with all the Holiday stuff! And enjoy your Mom being there. Alas, one of the blessings that just kind of worked out. God is good! And Sympathy and love to you and your family. God's Peace! Amy

[JerseyGirl Anne]

Thinking of you during this difficult time. Its not easy losing a dad. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[SusanB]

My deepest sympathy to you and your family. Wishing you comfort and peace.

[Jennifer]

Cyber hugs with you and your families.
Sympathy and love with you and all!

Take a day at time, time with family and all.

[Sarah]

Sorry for your loss. Too bad so many christians seem to be turning a blind eye to the tragic loss of life in conn.

[Selma]

Sorry to hear of your dad's passing. I'll be thinking of you during the holiday season as you begin all the "firsts without Dad"...

[Dale Anne Potter]

My heart aches & I send you & your family my deepest sympathies. YES, he still right there with you in your hearts & with no pain. Many {{{HUGS}}} & much LOVE!!!

[Sharyn]

Thank you to everyone - and to Sarah, I tried to respond directly but the email bounced back so I'll copy it here:

Be assured that nobody - Christian or otherwise - has turned a blind eye to the tragic loss in Connecticut. It is a sorrow that spans all nationalities, hearts and faiths. My heart and prayers go out to you if you've been directly affected. If you felt that I should have said something in my own post of grief, I apologize - while I have shed tears for Connecticut this weekend as well, right now my grief is for my father, and I believe that's okay. But be assured that my blog reader, facebook home page and personal conversations have been filled with prayers for everyone who is hurting from the tragic loss.

It is my prayer and the prayer of many that God carries those families during these trying days ahead. And my prayer is also that we could find a way to give more help and assistance to those families who know the sorrow and pain of someone with mental illness.

Prayers and comfort to you and yours.

Thank you for commenting.

[Sara-Jane]

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.
I am glad you have his pipe as smell is such a strong memory prompt. Lots of love from me to you.

[Barb]

As a long time follower, I just wanted you to know that I am sad for your loss, your thoughts are profound and thank you for sharing them with us. Glad to know you are so much like your dad.

[julie m.]

Sharyn,

So sorry for the loss of your dad. This was a beautiful, heartfelt post and I'm glad you shared it and let us get a glimpse into your personal life and relationships. You were really respectful in response to Sarah. And I think that your grief is no less significant than others who have lost loved ones this past week- I imagine it's even greater because you're not only grieving your beloved, wonderful dad, you're shouldering the weight that we as a nation feel on top of that. And it can't be easy. You're an incredibly kind and loving individual and I'm praying for you- that you're given extra comfort in the following days and months ahead.

Take out that pipe any time you need.

Much love to you and your family,
Julie

xoxo

[Beth]

May the peace that comes from the memories of love shared comfort you now and in the days ahead. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Kel]

Dear Sharyn, I'm so sorry. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

[Laura ODonnell]

hugs to you and your family, Sharyn

[Barb]

It is such an experience to watch someone peacefully pass away. I'm glad you were there. After all the months of stress & worry, it brings comfort to let go I am sure. We will be in touch.

[Katie]

Thinking of you and your family with love. May your Christmas be peaceful.

[Gayle]

love and prayers to you all. I am in agreement of your Dad's wishes. We all have to respect each other's wishes. You have been a loving child.

[Tracey]

Peace be with you, Sharyn. You keep those memories fresh in your mind and remember them often. What a great comfort you've been to your dad the last 15 months! Busy is a good thing right now.

[Carol]

Thinking of you Sharyn. It's so hard to say good bye to loved ones even with the assurance that they are in a better place. May God give you and your family strength to make it through the days ahead!

Love and God's Peace,
Carol

[Edith]

Sharyn, I am just now reading your last posts and want to express my deepest condolences to you and your family. Having lost my dad to cancer two years ago myself, your posts about your father this last year always touched me.
I am glad you could rest this sunday; after my dads funeral, I became very tired for a month (nights of 10-12 hours of sleep).
May Gods peace be with you and your family!

[Brita]

Thinking of you tonight.