type a sentence.....delete.
type a sentence.....delete.
The thoughts, sentences and emotions of what these last few weeks have been like keep drumming (pounding) through my head, but I can't seem to figure out how to begin transferring any of them to the glaring white screen in front of me. It's been such a progression, this whole (my dad's) cancer thing through this last very long fifteen months - and having not shared much of it along the way, it's hard now to find that spot to jump in. Yet to blog anything else just seems frivolous and false when the whole of each and every one of my days revolves around my dad in either thought or action.
My dad with whom I used to sit around the table with just 18 months ago talking about how healthy he was compared to a lot of his peers. (that'll teach us)
Cancer sucks.
It's a status that pops up on facebook frequently. It's to the point and accurate.
My dad will be calling for hospice on Monday. The nurses have suggested it for a couple weeks already, but with life comes hope and he kept holding out hope that he could make it to just one more appointment. As the days go by and he loses a little more each day - it becomes crystal clear that the last visit to the hospital/doctor has already been. His ability to live alone disappeared two weeks ago.
And it's exhausting.
As for me, these last few weeks have been a very controlled practice of putting one foot in front of the other and using every bit of inner strength I have to keep my emotions in check. The tears are never far from the surface and they escape without warning. They escape now as I type. I'll be driving (I used to look forward to that chance to think) and I'll find myself suddenly gasping with the overwhelmingness (should be a word) of it all. I cry for what was, what wasn't, what is and what is yet to come.
I find myself in places or aisles, not knowing how I got there. I've forgotten two appointments/dates in the last month (so not me). I wander aimlessly trying to find a place to land that will help keep my focus. I play the music incredibly loud hoping to drown out the thoughts, but while it doesn't really work - I still do it. I fall asleep hours earlier than I normally do over the sheer exhaustion of it all. And then I sit here awake at nearly 3am because of it.
And, of course, it's Christmas.
My kids have been troopers. They've taken on a lot this past year as I've been at my dad's more and more. Wendy and Allan have done an excellent job of holding down the fort when I've not been here after school and my husband has been steadfast in his ability to run this circus without me. Well, almost. Let's just say we're grateful for texting technology and the ability to type in - hey, don't forget to pick up that kid/prescription/milk or whatever it may be.
So I'm in day by day/minute by minute mode. My goal is to get things done while I can as none of us know what the next day will bring. I have finished the bulk of our Christmas shopping. 90% of it is wrapped. I have transferred the important dates onto the calendar and I hope that's enough to help me remember. My survival mode is to commit to nothing but if I'm able - I'll contribute or be there. To commit adds stress.
The housework has gone by the wayside, having chosen instead to use whatever spare minutes I have to bond/snuggle/play with my kids. I need that as much as they do. I'm adamant about not transferring any of my stress or worries to the children. It's mine to carry, not theirs. The spare minutes are too few right now, and they belong to them. It's with a mix of sorrow and relief that finds me thinking I can now safely plan for a long much needed vacation in the spring.
And that's where I'm at.
Today will find my mom, myself and four siblings along with our better halves gathering at my dad's for a ham dinner makeshift Christmas party. We won't stay long, but for a moment we'll all be together.
And that will be good.
I am a long-time lurker/reader of your blog. I'm sure that was a tremendously difficult post for you to write. I wish you and your family peace and strength and will keep in you in my prayers.
Posted by: SusanB | December 09, 2012 at 07:08 AM
Sharyn, you and your daddy are never far from my thoughts or my prayers. I'm praying that God will give you the strength and courage you need each day. I am praying that today will be a good day. A day to enjoy and just be a family. I'm praying that you will have extra time for your family. YOU are a wonderful mom. I am also praying God's Peace over you all. Really wishing today I could take some of your pain away.. hugs dear one.. hugs..
Posted by: Cuzin Karen | December 09, 2012 at 07:26 AM
I'm happy for you all that you'll all be together for a bit! As i read this post i nodded my head over and over. I think i myself, or any one of my sisters could've written this. Sigh. Love and God's Peace to you all!
Posted by: Laura K. | December 09, 2012 at 08:25 AM
Sharyn, you are in my prayers. I know how hard this post was for you to write, and I'm sure alot was done with tears. You are a great daughter and have great strength. Enjoy each moment with your kids and your daddy. The memories will be what gets you through the rough times after he passes. I hope you have a great time today with your dinner.
Posted by: Steph R | December 09, 2012 at 08:26 AM
Prayers and hugs Sharyn.
Posted by: Kirsten | December 09, 2012 at 09:12 AM
Sharyn, I can imagine how difficult this post was for you to write. The tears were falling as I read and as I type this. That short sentence "cancer sucks" pretty much sums it up. My mom (healthy) mom just went through her first chemo treatment. I've never been one to cry, but in the last two months I find the tears come often and with no regard to where I am. You and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Thanks for the reminder to grab those precious moments with our children even when the stress is overwhelming.
Posted by: Kris J | December 09, 2012 at 09:17 AM
Understood.. I was nowhere to write like you did.
Thoughts & hugs with you and your family.
Posted by: jennifer | December 09, 2012 at 09:21 AM
Sharyn, I'm so sorry. I can't help but think how lucky you are to have a dad you care so very much about. And how lucky he is to have you. My prayers are with you and your family.
Posted by: Sarah | December 09, 2012 at 09:33 AM
{{{hugs}}} Leave no good thing unsaid today.
Posted by: Jan C. | December 09, 2012 at 09:34 AM
i'm so sorry. Prayers for you and your family.
Posted by: Ashley | December 09, 2012 at 09:34 AM
Sharyn - I know how difficult this journey you are on is for all involved. My thoughts and prayers go to your family during this time.
Posted by: becky | December 09, 2012 at 09:58 AM
Thoughts and prayers for you all, Sharyn. May you all feel God's peace and love surround you today and in the days to come.
Posted by: Kathryn | December 09, 2012 at 10:07 AM
Sending prayers of love and God's peace your way, Sharyn.
Posted by: Rebecca | December 09, 2012 at 10:20 AM
lots of love and hugs and prayers Sharyn. Enjoy these moments, as you know the rest will catch up. Wish I could help.
Posted by: Mary | December 09, 2012 at 10:32 AM
So sorry for all you are going through, Sharyn. You are such an amazing mom. Hugs to you.
Posted by: Kris Chirhart | December 09, 2012 at 10:40 AM
Sharyn-I'm so sorry you are facing this difficult journey so soon. Love, hugs and prayers to you and your family.
Posted by: Lori A | December 09, 2012 at 10:43 AM
Having gone through Hospice 5 years ago with my Mother, I can tell you they are wonderful and caring people. They became like part of our family and I was thankful to have them with us. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers...
Posted by: tammyb | December 09, 2012 at 11:09 AM
I am so sorry, Sharyn. It's been only two years since I went through this with my beloved stepmom. I completely understand your feelings and emotions right now. Saying a little prayer for you to give you the strength you need. It is not easy.
Posted by: Tracey | December 09, 2012 at 11:40 AM
Those of us who know you and read your blog regularly might have guessed at some of what you wrote so beautifully but I know putting those black words on that white page made them be real. It's heart-wrenching to watch someone you care about so deeply face the cruel facts life has handed them and you as well. Be gentle with yourself in the difficult days ahead. Accept the time you have left with your dad for what it is...a gift. Praying that you will find strength and peace as you weather this storm. Hugs to you, sweet Sharyn...hugs to you.
Posted by: Brenda | December 09, 2012 at 11:51 AM
Hi Sharyn,
This post brought me to tears for the pain you are enduring. There is nothing I can say that will make what you're facing any easier, and truthfully as someone who lived it for the last year myself, I won't even try too. The tears will come often as they should and at the oddest of times, let them flow. Putting it out there makes it all the more real and I wish I could take away the pain that is to come. I am praying for your Dad's comfort and that all who love and adore him feel the love of our Father around them.
Posted by: Kelley Popp | December 09, 2012 at 12:39 PM
Hugs to you Sharyn. My neighbor had Hospice and I have nothing but nice things to say about them! Every nurse that came to her house when scheduled and at times when they weren't scheduled....were wonderful! Please call if you need anything!!
Posted by: Becky H | December 09, 2012 at 01:26 PM
Sharyn, reading your blog these last several months I suspected that this was a very difficult time in your life and that you were keeping most of it inside. I read your beautifuly written post early this morning, and my heart has been heavy as I thought of what you are going through. I was on a similar road earlier this year with my mother. Hospice care was a blessing that helped so much in ways that can not be explained. They are a caring group of people that know how to help bring comfort to your loved one physically, emotionally and spiritually. I hope that you are able to lean on them a bit, ask them for the help your father needs (they have many ways of doing this),which may allow you to do the things that are most important to you and your dad. I think of you today as you gather together with family and enjoy your time together, truly a gift to you all. My prayers are with you.
Posted by: Linda J | December 09, 2012 at 02:44 PM
Hugs, prayers and God's peace be with you and your family during this time.
Posted by: Katie S | December 09, 2012 at 03:44 PM
No words just hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Posted by: Melinda | December 09, 2012 at 03:59 PM
So sorry to hear this, Sharyn.
I hope you have a wonderful dinner tonight. ((hugs))
Posted by: Laura ODonnell | December 09, 2012 at 04:24 PM
Sharyn, I'm so sorry that you all have to go through this. Anytime you need to talk or to escape for a minute, you can call me! I'm close by and I know that you might just need a minute of quiet. Take care.
Posted by: suetreiber | December 09, 2012 at 05:27 PM
I love you, friend.
Posted by: teri | December 09, 2012 at 05:37 PM
So sorry this is happening during a holiday season. My dad became sick right after Christmas, beginning of 2011, and that was hard enough. I can't imagine adding Christmas into the stressful situation too. Enjoy your family dinner today and hug your kids close. Take care of yourself too.
Posted by: Kathy R | December 09, 2012 at 05:42 PM
Sharyn,
You always have a knack for putting things into words and touching right to the heart. So many families have or will be touched by cancer and feel so much of what you have poured out. I know we did a few years back with John's sister, it went really fast and we lost her on christmas day. none of us can live forever. your memories will preserve and honor him. and you have the opportunity to say all that is in your heart right now while he can hear it. and you said it already - one foot in front of the other. thank you for sharing and I wish you and your family love, peace, and comfort at this time.
Posted by: wendy | December 09, 2012 at 06:38 PM
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: emily pitts | December 09, 2012 at 07:39 PM
I'm sorry Sharyn.
Posted by: Wockyjabber | December 09, 2012 at 08:36 PM
So sorry for this journey you're all on right now. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, even though sometimes it feels like that. The Lord will comfort and protect you all. Enjoy the time together for as long as you can, and make some great memories. My husband told me when my mother went through this that there is a time to be happy, a time to grieve, and save that time until later. (((HUGS))) to you and yours!!
Posted by: Deanna Staley | December 09, 2012 at 08:41 PM
I'm so very sorry. I hope that being able to put this down in words has helped. Sending you love and prayers tonight and this season. <3
Posted by: Erica Hettwer | December 09, 2012 at 09:44 PM
Sharyn, sat behind you this morning,was hoping to say hello to you,have been wondering how things were with your Dad.So very,very sorry to read this blog today, I know your heart, and those of your family must be so heavy. What a blessing you have been to you Dad during this time. Sending you all much love and God's Peace.
Posted by: Nancy K | December 09, 2012 at 10:33 PM
I'm very sorry and I will keep you & your family in my prayers.
JoAnn H
Posted by: JoAnn | December 09, 2012 at 10:35 PM
Very powerful! You have such a way with words. Much love and God's Peace coming your way from here. <3
Posted by: Brita | December 09, 2012 at 10:58 PM
Thinking and praying for you and your family. Savor this time with your dad.
Posted by: JerseyGirl Anne | December 09, 2012 at 11:00 PM
Hugs to you and your family, thinking of you tonight.
Much love and God's Peace, Jan
Posted by: Jan | December 09, 2012 at 11:07 PM
Sorry to hear about your dad, cancer does suck... Thoughts and prayers for you all. Hope your ham dinner this afternoon was full of many wonderful memories! Heidi L'
Posted by: Heidi | December 09, 2012 at 11:14 PM
Oh, sharyn. So sorry to read this latest news but am glad you were able to share it. May the Peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, be with you and your family in these days to come.
Posted by: JP | December 09, 2012 at 11:56 PM
I'm so sorry. My dad died from brain cancer two years ago. Cancer does suck. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: terridavenport | December 10, 2012 at 06:54 AM
Thinking of you & yours, daily.
Posted by: Barb | December 10, 2012 at 07:12 AM
My thoughts & prayers (+ (((HUGS)))) go out to you & your family at this time. And, from experience - nothing else matters right now than being together. Enjoy the time and I leave you with this poem by Unknown person:
What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.
Posted by: Dale Anne Potter | December 10, 2012 at 07:43 AM
So, so sorry, Sharyn. Please know that there are lurkers out here who are thinking of you. We've never met, but I think of you and your family often and wonder how you are all doing. Take care. Don't hang on to those tears too hard; letting them go is also very cleansing. Exhausting, but cleansing.
Posted by: Selma | December 10, 2012 at 09:58 AM
love you... & I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by: lin | December 10, 2012 at 10:23 AM
These words spoken recently in church are so comforting; "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest". What a friend we have in Jesus! When we are so weary and burdened, He is so willing to carry us and our burdens.
Posted by: Rebecca | December 10, 2012 at 11:24 AM
you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: doris | December 10, 2012 at 02:48 PM
Praying for you and your family during this difficult time.
Posted by: Cammy | December 10, 2012 at 05:02 PM